FOMU & Overthinking
Why You Apologize Before Anything Actually Goes Wrong
Fear of making mistakes can have you apologizing before anything goes wrong. My story of overthinking, imagined anger, and deleting the apology drafts.
Have you ever felt like you were in trouble before anything bad even happened?
A few years ago, I started to think about writing a book about disability inclusion in business. I was clear in the value I could deliver, but I couldn't shake the feeling that my plan felt risky. I imagined people getting mad at me. I made a list. And I didn't stop there.
Instead of researching agents or writing chapters, I started drafting emails. Emails to people I thought MIGHT get mad at me if they found out I was writing a book. I hadn’t even publicly shared I was writing a book, but I was so hung up on my FOMU (Fear of Messing Up), that I had preemptive apology letters for non-existent anger in my draft emails. They sat there for a long time. I'd open them from time to time and debate when and how I should send them. Or if I should send them at all. Was it better to set up a zoom call? You get the idea. The overthinking was exhausting.
It wasn’t until I started getting to the root of my own FOMU that I realized what those drafts were doing. They were me trying to control outcomes I couldn’t control. They created a sense of safety ‘just in case’. None of these actions were based on any evidence. I had never once had a negative encounter with the people I drafted the emails to.
But my mind conjured a risk of a negative outcome and my FOMU deployed.
It felt good when I finally deleted those drafts. When I realized that my book was not a weapon or a threat or a mistake. I did sign with an agent and the process is ongoing, but when I think about the book now, I don’t react by thinking about all the people who could possibly get “mad”. FOMU’s roots run deep and if you let it run the show, it will make decisions and steal your time before you even realize what’s happening.
Seeing FOMU for what it is and understanding your own "FOMU Fingerprint" is the first step to interrupting the cycle.
The more we talk about these patterns and habits, the more we can break the isolation FOMU fosters. Take it from me. Before I would've never admitted I wrote preemptive apology emails. Now I can name the pattern instead of hiding it. We don't have to hide in shame, we just have to break the cycle.